"Justice Salmon Portland Chase"
[POLITICIAN 1]
How does a wealthy nephew of a member of the US senate
dropped in the middle of a random spot
in Ohio by moving there, with money and white collar
grow up to be a hero and a scholar?
[POLITICIAN 2]
The ten thousand dollar father with mother and father
got a lot farther by going to a charter
by being a born charmer
by starting a lot farther
by sixteen, they put him in a freshman dorm at Dartmouth
[POLITICIAN 1]
And every day while slaves were being slaughtered and carted
to the southern states, he struggled to keep his grades up
Inside, he was longing to one day pass the bar to
Pass a law to stop fugitive slaves from being hard to
[POLITICIAN 2]
Defend in federal court. So in order to comport
with forced courses he courses through a nature morte
put a highlighter to the textbook, he memorizes every tort
Moved to DC port, to study with Will Wirt
[POLITICIAN 1]
Professors were impressed,
they said they said his essays were weren't lame
Sent him to Academy of Royalton, to train him.
“Be a lawyer so your qual of living is the same, and
the world's gonna know your name. What’s your name, man?”
[CHASE]
Justice Salmon Portland Chase
My name is Justice Salmon Portland Chase
And there a million things I’ve already done
But just you wait, just you wait…
[ONE OF CHASE'S WIVES]
When he was nine, he left New Hampshire and moved in with Philander
Chase, his uncle, in Ohio, taught him never to philander
and to trust, a benevolent God and to embody
[ALL BUT CHASE]
the spirit of the Protestant episcopal body
[ALL]
Argued for Matilda, Matilda was a fugitive slave
She stayed her father’s property but future was permanently changed
The courts quoting
arguments that Salmon had made
He started erasing foundations that supported the slave trade
This catapultes him to local fame
And he becomes a Whig
He wouldn’t gotten very big
If not for honorable vigor
Got elected, expected to stay in Cin city council
Founded Liberty, a party, and became Van Buren’s counsel
Searching for a principled platform that would support him
Teaming up with Democrats; his efforts would transport him
The Free Soil senator, standing for free land
In DC you can be a new man
In DC, you can be a new man (Just you wait)
In DC, you can be a new man (Just you wait)
In DC, you can be a new man
(Just you wait)
Justice Salmon Portland Chase
We are waiting in the wings for you
You never slipped up
You always had a lovely time
Oh, Justice Salmon Portland Chase
When America sings for you
Will they know that you almost stayed
In the White House instead of Abe?
What an impact you would have made
You’re rocking in the Senate now,
Successfully elected
Another ‘merican
Succeeding as expected
For the ten thousand dollar bill
Your countenance selected
[BARN BURNERS]
We agreed with him
[GUY FROM OHIO]
Me? I voted for him
[LINCOLN]
Me? I trusted him
[WIVES]
Me? I loved him
[CLUELESS MODERN AMERICAN]
And me? I’m the damn fool that never heard of him!
[ALL]
There’s a million things I’ve already done
But just you wait
What’s your name, man?
Justice Salmon Portland Chase!
"Senate Battle"
[ATCHINSON]
Ladies and gentlemen, you coulda been anywhere in the world tonight, but you’re here with us in Washington D.C. Are you ready for a Senate session???
The issue on the table: Senator Douglas’s plan to organize the Territory of Nebraska, and repeal the Missouri Compromise. Senator Douglas, you have the floor, sir
[DOUGLAS]
Popular sovereignty is some of the best
We fought for this ideal; we shouldn’t settle for less
It’s a Democratic right, that the Founding Fathers fought for
If the people can’t decide, you can bet I would’ve brought war?
[CHASE and LARGELY IRRELEVANT #1 ]
Oww!
[DOUGLAS]
Salmon Chase forgets
His plan would have the government make citizens upset
Now place your bets as to who that benefits
The very seat of Congress where Salmon Chase sits
[CHASE]
Not true!
[DOUGLAS]
Ooh, if the mask fits, wear it
If Kansas wants slaves
Why should Ohioans ban it? Uh! Our votes should count, the full amount
Because the right of the people to choose is paramount
In this country, we don’t prioritize he
who sits in the White House over voters locally
The abolitionists make an outrageous demand
And it’s too damn ridiculous for me to understand
Stand with me in the land of the fair
And pray to God we never see your bill pass through here
Look, when we in D.C pushed tariffs on our Southern neighbor,
They really didn’t like it, so why try to take their labor
[ATCHINSON]
Thank you, Senator Douglas!
Senator Chase, your response
[CHASE]
Douglas, that was some real nice legislation
Welcome to the present, we’re running a real nation
Would you like to join us, or stay a lame ol’ classic
Doing whatever the hell it is you do in the Jurassic?
[ALL]
Ohhhh!
[CHASE]
If we make the right choice, the whole country gets a voice
We’re representatives, we make preventative
Laws that stop conflict before it breaks out in Kansas
The citizens will thank us then, the slaves will say “It bans us!”
A civics lesson from a slaver. Hey neighbor
You're contradicting the very point you belabor
“We decide rights at the ballot box”
Yeah keep gloatin’,
we know who’s really doing the votin’
[ALL]
Ohhhh!
[CHASE]
And another thing, Mr. John Stewart Mill
Don’t fight me on morality; you don’t have the will
You think I’m frightened of you, man? When you were just a little boy,
I was already freeing slaves from your homestate of Illinois
[ALL]
Ohhhh!
[CHASE]
We arraign this bill as a gross violation
Of a sacred pledge; As a betrayal of this nation,
As part and parcel of an atrocious plot
To exclude form a vast unoccupied spot
Immigrants from Old World and free laborers from our States
And convert it into despotism, ‘habited by slaves
[ALL]
Ohhhh!
[ATCHINSON]
Excuse me? Everyone, everyone, take a walk!
Salmon Chase, take a walk!
We’ll reconvene after a brief recess.
Salmon Chase!
[CHASE]
Sir!
[ATCHINSON]
A word
[DOUGLAS]
You don’t have the votes!
You don’t have the votes!
Aha-ha-ha-ha
You’ll never get congressional approval cuz I have all the votes
Such a blunder sometimes it makes me wonder why I even bring the thunder
[LARGELY IRRELEVANT #1]
Why he ever brings the thunder
[ATCHINSON]
You wanna pull yourself together?
[CHASE]
I’m sorry these slave owners are birds of a feather
[ATCHINSON]
Young man, I’m a slave owner, so watch your mouth
[CHASE]
So we let Congress get held hostage by the South?
[ATCHINSON]
You need the votes
[CHASE]
No, we need bold strokes. We don’t want this plan
[ATCHINSON]
No, you need to convince more folks
[CHASE]
The Southern Democrats won’t even talk to me, that’s a nonstarter
[ATCHINSON]
Winning was easy, young man. Governing’s harder
[CHASE]
They’re being intransigent
[ATCHINSON]
You have to find a compromise
[CHASE]
But I think their plan will lead to Kansas’ demise
[ATCHINSON]
Then why not compromise? Try to negotiate with them then
[CHASE]
No! I stand for “Free soil, free labor, free men!”
"Tax Greenbacks"
[CHASE]
How does the Grant-led Union army, that is a lot bigger
Somehow defeat the Southern traitors’ vigor?
How do we emerge victorious without the cotton
Profits that we used to get, no matter how ill-gotten?
Yo. Turns out we have a secret weapon
A Dartmouth grad you know and love who’s unafraid to step in!
He’s constantly fusin’ and fundin’ the Northern fighter
Everyone give it up for America’s largest banknote writer!
[ALL]
Salmon Chase!
[CHASE]
I’m putting our debts in their place
Making greenbacks greener with my face
[ALL]
Salmon Chase!
[CHASE]
And I’m never gonna stop until I make ‘em pop and print ‘em out and pay out at fast pace, I’m
[ALL]
Salmon Chase!
[CHASE]
Watch me not breaking ranks! And founding banks! And funding banks! I’m
[ALL]
Salmon Chase!
[CHASE]
I found the IRS and
[ALL]
Salmon Chase!
[CHASE]
This war will surely end (when I)
[ALL]
Tax
Greenbacks
The tender the South lacks
[LINCOLN]
It’s eighteen sixty two, so pass the new Revenue Acts
[CHASE]
We can win this war with money,
Make theirs worth way less, and
For this to succeed, there is no one else we need!
[LINCOLN]
But wait,
[ALL]
U.S. Grant!
[CHASE]
Sir, he’ll kill all his men in the trench,
And his uniform in brandy he’ll drench, I mean—
[ALL]
U.S. Grant!
[CHASE]
Sir, he will crumple like paper eventually
Would you just think of his stench? I mean—
[ALL]
U.S. Grant!
[CHASE]
No one has less resilience
Or matches my practical tactical brilliance—
[ALL]
U.S. Grant!
[CHASE]
You wanna fight for your land back?
[ALL]
U.S. Grant!
[CHASE]
You need your national bank back!
[ALL]
U.S. Grant!
[CHASE]
Ah! Uh, get ya national bank back
You know you gotta get ya national bank back
I mean you gotta put
Some thought into the letter
But the sooner the better
To get your national bank bank!
[ALL]
U.S. Grant! U.S. Grant!
[LINCOLN]
Secretary Salmon Chase
Notes are waiting in the bank for you
If you print them right now, together we can turn the tide
Oh, Secretary Salmon Chase
All my soldiers will be paid by you
If we manage to get this right
Their money’s worthless by early light
The world will never be the same, Salmon Chase
"I'll Be Back"
[CHASE]
You say
That my constant attempts to resign are in rather bad taste
You cry
In your hat that you wave at the slaves as you send them to die
I’m so mad
That you fired me when my wanting to leave was a lie
Now you’re making me sad
Remember despite our estrangement, I’m your man
I’ll be back, soon you’ll see
That the dollar bill was best with me
I’ll be back, time will tell
You’ll remember that I served you well
Prices rise, prices fall
I have seen the treasury through it all
And when inflation kills
I will show up in your wallet inhabiting ten thousand dollar bills
da da da da da da
You say my resignation’s binding and I can’t go on
You’ll be the one complaining when I’m gone
And don’t try to treat me tender
I was your meeting attender
Now I’myour legal tender
Your crispy chicken tender
Forever and ever and ever and ever and ever…
I’ll be back
Yes I will
On the new ten thousand dollar bill
In your banks in your purse
I’ll be round when the economy’s worse
When I’m gone, you’ll be stuck
With a guy who’ll try to pass the buck
And when inflation kills
I will fund your main opponents in ten thousand dollar bills
da da da da da da
"The Room Where It Happens"
[MILLER]
Ah, Justice Chase
[CHASE]
Mister Miller, sir
[MILLER]
Did you hear the news about good old general Grant?
[CHASE]
No
[MILLER]
You know the White House?
[CHASE]
Yeah
[MILLER]
He’s in there now, the Grant legacy is secure
[CHASE]
Sure
[MILLER]
And all he had to do was get elected
[CHASE]
That’s a lot less work
[MILLER]
Then why weren’t you selected?
[CHASE]
Ha
[MILLER]
Now how’re you gonna get your ‘pinion through?
[CHASE]
Well I’m certain-ally never gonna listen to you
[MILLER]
Really?
[CHASE]
Talk less. Smile more.
[MILLER]
Ha
[CHASE]
Do whatever it takes to get my foot in the White House door
[MILLER]
Abraham and cabinet are merciless.
[CHASE]
Well, hate the sin, love the sinner.
[MILLER]
Salmon!
[CHASE]
I’m sorry Sam, I gotta go
[MILLER]
But–
[CHASE]
Decisions are happening in a meeting.
[STRONG]
Nine men and zero women walk into a room.
[STRONG & CO.]
Diametrically opposed, foes.
[STRONG]
They emerge with a judgment taking open doors and deciding
[STRONG & CO.]
that they’re closed.
[STRONG]
Myra Bradwell passed the Bar exam in Illinois and asked to be admitted
to the bar to practice law as was her right
They told her no, under the doctrine of coverture
Became a Supreme Court fight
[ALL]
No one else was in
The room where it happened
The room where it happened
The room where it happened
No one else was in
The room where it happened
The room where it happened
The room where it happened
Deliberations done behind the scenes
Deciding people’s lives by unknown means
We just assume that it happens
But no one else is in
The room where it happens
[STRONG]
Miller claims
[MILLER]
The Illinois state regulation of the practice of law is independent of citizenship
[STRONG]
Miller claims
[MILLER]
of the United States, and thus is not protected by the 14th Amendment
[STRONG]
Miller claims
[MILLER]
The paramount destiny and mission of woman is to fulfill
[STRONG]
Miller claims
[MILLER]
the noble and benign offices of wife and mother
no other
[ALL]
No one else was in
The room where it happened
The room where it happened
The room where it happened
No one else was in
The room where it happened
The room where it happened
The room where it happened
No one really knows their opinions are bent
How they each decide to concur or to dissent
We just assume that it happens
No one else was in the room where it happens
[MILLER & CHASE]
Meanwhile
[STRONG]
Chase is grappling with disease, had a heart attack and how his health is kinda shitty
[MILLER & CHASE]
Meanwhile
[STRONG]
At the court the precedent’s a slaughterhouse—([ALL]: aaa!)—it isn’t pretty
[STRONG]
Then Salmon P. approaches
with an observation
That the Bill of Rights protects
every one in the nation
[MILLER]
The language of the 14th
Amendment is narrow.
To apply it to women isn’t fair, oh man
that’s harrowing
[STRONG]
Yeah, sure
[CHASE]
But what about her?
[MILLER]
I demur
[STRONG]
What rights would this broad interpretation confer?
[CHASE]
You see the allure
[MILLER]
Well, this won’t be the cure
[CHASE]
Will you dissent with me?
[STRONG]
No I concur, sir
[CHASE]
This will recur!
[MILLER]
Sure.
[ALL]
One else was in the room where it happened
The room where it happened
The room where it happened
No one else was in the room where it happened
The room where it happened
The room where it happened
[CHASE]
My God! In God We Trust
[MILLER & STRONG]
We’ll never really know what got discussed
Click-boom and it happened
[CHASE]
No one else was in the room where it happened
[MILLER]
Justice William Lightbourn Strong
[CHASE]
What did they say to you to get you to agree to such a strange interpretation?
[MILLER]
Justice William Lightbourn Strong
[CHASE]
After many unanimous cases, why this sudden legal viewpoint bifurcation?
[MILLER]
Justice William Lightbourn Strong
[CHASE]
Wait, did you think, the plight of women doesn’t matter?
[STRONG]
Well it’s complicated
But I can’t be bought
[CHASE]
They want more than you gave
[STRONG]
But they needed what they got
When you got skin in the game, you stay in the game
But you don’t get a win unless you play in the game
Oh, you get love for it. You get hate for it
You get nothing if you…
[ALL]
Wait for it, wait for it, wait!
[CHASE]
God help and forgive me
I wanna build
Something that’s gonna
Outlive me
[ALL but STRONG]
What do you want, Strong? (What do you want, Strong?)
What do you want, Strong? (What do you want, Strong?)
If you stand for nothing (What do you want, Strong?)
Strong, then what do you fall for? (What do you want?)
[STRONG]
I
Wanna be in
The room where it happens
The room where it happens
I
Wanna be in
The room where it happens
The room where it happens
[ALL]
I I wanna be in
The room where it happens
Wanna be (The room where it happens)
In the room where it happens (The room where it happens)
I (I wanna be in the room)
Where it happens
I wanna be in the room… (The room where it happens)
Oh (The room where it happens)
Oh (I wanna be in)
The room where it happens
I wanna be (The room where it happens)
I wanna be (The room where it happens)
I’ve got to be (I wanna be in)
I’ve got to be (The room where it happens)
In that room (The room where it happens)
In that big ol’ room (The room where it happens)
[COMPANY]
The art of the compromise
[STRONG]
Hold your nose and close your eyes
[COMPANY]
We want our leaders to save the day—
[STRONG]
But you don’t get a say in what we trade away
[ALL]
We dream of a brand new start—
[STRONG]
But you dream in the dark for the most part
[ALL]
Dark as a tomb where it happens
I’ve got to be in
The room… (The room where it happens)
I’ve got to be...
The room where it happens
I’ve got to be...
The room where it happens
Oh, I’ve got to be in
The room where it happens… (The room where it happens)
I’ve got to be, I’ve gotta be (The room where it happens)
I’ve gotta be…
In the room! (I wanna be in the room)
Where it happens!
Click-boom! (Click-boom!)
"Ten Stroke Symptons"
[ALL]
One, two, three, four
Five, six, seven, eight, nine…
It’s the Ten Stroke Symptoms
It’s the Ten Stroke Symptoms
Number one!
[THE STROKE]
The issue: extreme sudden numbness
If this appears in you at all, get ready for some glumbness
[ALL]
Number two!
[THE STROKE]
If you’re weak in the leg or the arm
[CHASE]
Asymmetric, is a sign of coming harm
[ALL]
Number three!
[MILLER]
If your cheek is drooping off your face
[THE STROKE]
You better lift…
[CHASE]
it back up, or you will pay
[THE STROKE]
This is commonplace, ‘specially ‘mong the wrinkled
[ALL]
Most people die, cuz it’s not just a dimple
Number four!
[THE STROKE]
If you’re having trouble walking, that’s all right
Time to get some IVs and a doctor on site
[CHASE]
You pay him in advance, you treat him with civility
[THE STROKE]
You have him turn around so he can have deniability
[ALL]
Five!
[MILLER]
If you can’t see from one or both eyes
[ALL]
Pick a place to die and say your final goodbyes
Number six!
[CHASE]
If you swiftly misremember where you’ve been,
Just accept defeat and pray that hell or heaven lets you in
[ALL]
Seven!
[MILLER]
Things don’t make sense? If speech feels demanding to comprehend,
it’s a wonder you’re even still standing
[ALL]
Number eight!
[ALL]
Your last chance to negotiate
Take some ibuprofen, see if it can cure your headache…
[CHASE]
Hello Stroke
[THE STROKE]
Justice Chase, sir
[CHASE]
Can we agree that strokes are dumb and immature?
[THE STROKE]
Sure
But your man has to answer for his age, sir
[CHASE]
With his life? We both know that’s absurd, sir
[THE STROKE]
Hang on, how many men died because duels were inexperienced and ruinous?
Okay, so we’re doin’ this
[ALL]
Number nine!
[CHASE]
Dizzy in the head, feelin’ faint
Think you’re livin’ through this, no you ain’t
Then count
[ALL]
One two three four
Five six seven eight nine
[CHASE & THE STROKE]
Number
[ALL]
Tenth symptom!
[CHASE & THE STROKE]
Death!
(CHASE falls)